Barry and Maverick's World Japan and Korea Blog Tour

2009-01-07T20:53:00.001-08:00

Check out the new title! I'm really enjoying getting back into this blogging lark.

2009-01-07T20:45:00.000-08:00

Ooopps! I just realised the whole of 2008 went by and I didn't even post one blog entry!
That is all set to change in 2009 though as I plan on being quite prolific in my blogging. Any of the 4 people who used to read this shit site ever still check it?

2007-12-11T22:48:00.000-08:00

Coffee Bukkake

Readers of this blog i'm sure will be very familiar with the Japanese term bukkake. A number of Japanese "loan" words are used in English, for example words such as kimono, sushi, karaoke and judo. Bukkake is another of these terms that has become commonplace in everyday English conversations. One need look no further than the ever popular thehun.com to find some perfect examples of bukkake, or "cream pies" as they are sometimes called. Just the other day I was looking at a lovely mature plumper creampie from steve. Great stuff.

Anyway, this latest blog entry concerns an interesting story in the Japan news this week in which a man has been arrested for carrying out what can only be described as a bizzare take on the traditional Japanese art of bukkake.

The man has come to be known as“Coffee Bukkake Man” [コーヒーぶっかけ男] by locals after 5 drive-by coffee spitting attacks on schoolgirl pedestrians. In all of the attacks, he spat coffee out his car window and into the faces of the girls before quickly driving away.
All of the man's victims were junior high school or high school girls wearing their uniforms, and all of the attacks involved spitting coffee onto their faces from his car window. Fortunately the Coffee Bukkake man has now been arrested. His final attack having taken place on December 7th, when a 16-year-old schoolgirl he spat on was able to come to her senses quickly enough to spot his license plate number and memorise it. Police described it as a School boy error from the Coffee Bukkake man, and suggested he would be kicking himself for having been so stupid.

Now behind bars, schoolgirls can rest assured that they are now safe from this distortorter the good name of the sacred art of Bukkake. However, those particularly disturbed by this act should bare in mind that the 26 year-old Coffee Bukkake man, did tell police that he only did it to relieve some stress because he'd been dumped by his bird. So its not that bad.

That's it for now, i'm off to look at an ebony babe toying from nigel.

2007-11-20T04:39:00.000-08:00

Recently this blog has come in for a fair amount of criticism, most of it justified. However, an ever popular feature of the blog has been the ongoing Legends series. This feature really seems to have captured the imagination of blog readers out there and has prompted numerous discussions, and dare i say it, the odd argument!

This along with the Classic events from the What's Happening in Toyama monthly newsletter series always seem to get people talking and i am bombarded with emails asking me about them. It's for this reason I have decided to start a new series, this time it is going to be called Barry and Maverick's musical funtime. In this series I will provide readers with a selection of classic pop hits from throughout the ages.
First up I have chosen this little gem from those lovable Cockney badboys, East 17.
Enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyAGgEJb1_8

2007-11-01T17:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, so you didn't think the thrown shits story was funny.... check out this hard hitting drama from some more of my students:

Kanako: "Aruhi mori no naka kumasa"

Asuka: Kanako! Stop singing!!

Kanako: Why? I was enjoying singing though.

Asuka: Because in Japan when you sing it means a ghost will appear!

Kanako: Oh really!? I didn't know.

Asuka: Look! There is a ghost behind your back.

Kanako: Where is it!? Where is it!?

Asuka: I'm lying.

Kanako: Go away Asuka, I hate you!

Asuka: I'm sorry.

For me, this absurd-sounding tale charting two young girl's friendship through love, fighting and the supernatural has turned out to be one of the most chilling and original mini dramas of the ichi nensei Superstitions project.
From the outset, this drama's brilliantly scripted dialogue draws the audience in and one finds oneself immersed in the story's unbearably grim world. We are thrilled and taken on an emotional roller coaster ride experiencing joyous music, laughter and humour contrasted with the tale's underlying backdrop of shock, fear and betrayal. The end result is an edge of your seat suspense story with so many twists and turns we are never quite sure where we are going to end up. The unexpected twist at the end providing a truely unforgettable piece of ichi nensei mini drama writing.

Rating: 5 stars.

2007-10-30T19:18:00.000-07:00

In order to keep up the prolific nature of this blog I shall now add my comments for October. This post concerns a script I just received from 2 of my students for their project on "superstitions". They were asked to prepare a mini drama incorporating some phrases and gestures I taught them around the theme of fortune telling and superstitions. Here is the script, handed to me by 2 ichi nensei girls. They have chosen to play the roles of the popular childrens characters, Anpanman and Shokupanman:

Anpanman: "Oh, I had a strange dream"

Shokupanman: "Are you all right? How dream?"

Anpanman: "I had a dream, I am thrown shits. It was the worst dream."

Shokupanman: "Oh?! Why? The dream is a good dream."

Anpanman: "Why? I don't know, why is it good?"

Shokupanman: "When you have a dream that you are thrown into shit you will become rich."

Anpanman: "Oh, really? I'm glad because I don't have any money."

Shokupanman: It was good!!!! I want to look this dream too!"

So there you have it. Apparently if you have a dream that you are thrown shits then you will become rich. I don't know how exactly to mark this one.

2007-09-10T23:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last posted, mainly because i simply cannot be arsed but also because it is difficult to follow up such a classic post as that gingerbread one.

Anyway I thought I'd start a new series, called "Classic events from the What's Happening in Toyama monthly newsletter". It is a publication which I have to say gives me enormous pleasure each month. This month two great events are happening on the same day in Takaoka, which one to attend - its a real dilemma! Either way I know an awesome time is going to be had by all.

Check out these two badass events, they certainly stick two fingers up to anyone who has the gaul to suggest that Toyama is a boring place!

Classic events from the What's Happening in Toyama monthly newsletter:

No 1:

The 24th Annual Nakada Scarecrow festival!

Do you like scarecrows? Then this is the festival for you! There will be a scarecrow contest, parade, and an endurance race! Takaoka City , Nakada-ku Central Shopping District

Not content with that? On the same day will be ....

No 2:

The Takaoka Daibutsu Festival!

Witness the annual cleaning of the Takaoka Daibutsu (Big Buddha) 。After the cleaning there will be various fun events and celebration. Takaoka-City

Each month the What's Happening in Toyama newsletter throws up a number of these such events, it truely is a wonderful publication for a wonderful place. Check out next month's blog for more classics from this spectacular series!*

* Note: I may well get bored and not bother.

2007-07-19T22:17:00.001-07:00

A poem:

One little, two little, three little
Gingerkids,
Four little, five little, six little
Gingerkids,
Seven little, eight little, nine little
Gingerkids,
Ten little Gingerbread Kids.

2007-06-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

After reading this news story the other week I had an excellent idea for my Team Teaching classes in Japan…..

Teacher forced soccer players to run naked after missing penalties

OSAKA -- A junior high school teacher in charge of its soccer club forced several players to run naked around the ground as punishment for missing penalty kicks during practice, it has been learned.
The teacher of the unnamed junior high school wanted his players to practice penalty kicks under pressure during a special summer practice session in 2005. He proposed that those who miss a penalty should run around the ground naked.
As a result, five or six players had to run around naked. Some students' parents lodged a protest over the incident the next day.

Personally I think this is a great idea. As a result I have now initiated a new rule in my classes whereby anyone who doesn’t do their homework, or whose class work is not up to scratch, is forced to sit throughout the next lesson naked. So far it seems to work pretty well – the students are more motivated, everyone is working hard, and I’ve gotten to see quite a few naked school girls. I mean, sure, there have been one or two complaints, but you’re always gonna get that. Whenever there is a dynamic, enterprising, new teaching idea there are always going to be narrow minded people that won’t like it. I think when you believe in something so passionately (like I do with making schoolgirls strip naked as a punishment for bad English) you’ve just got to ignore those dissenting voices and push on with what you believe in. Next week I’m hoping to take my camera into class to get some pictures of just how well this teaching method works.

It is my dream that one day naked schoolgirls will be the norm in classrooms all over Japan.

2007-05-31T17:40:00.000-07:00

Legends series #347 Dave Benson-Phillips

Dave Benson Phillips is a popular children's television presenter. He is best known as the host of the children's game show Get Your Own Back. He had also been seen on CBBC on Playdays, presenting The 'Playground Stop' in which he taught the viewers basic sign language Makaton.

After Get Your Own Back ended, Dave Benson-Phillips did a lot of work in children's and preschool educational television, particularly for the BBC and Playhouse Disney, including a role in children's program Planet Cook where he starred alongside popular British Chef Kevin Woodford, and the voice talent of Ruby Wax. Here he portrayed an orange furred yeti called Bouma.

He also hosted a weekly segment on local radio station Splash FM.

2007-05-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

Happy Deathday!

Some people have noted that this blog rarely concentrates on what interesting events I have been up to in my life and contains few pictures, choosing more to focus on political activism, obscure “in jokes”, and facebook. I will now attempt to redress this balance by talking about what I got up to last week and putting a few pics in:

Last week I went out to 135s bar in Uozu to celebrate the life of a great man. We often celebrate people's birthdays but I think this was the first time I had ever celebrated a "death day". It was a lot of fun, I think people should do it more often!

The reason we were "celebrating" was that Jerry Falwell, the American fundamentalist Christian pastor and televangelist, had died.

Here is a picture of the great man himself.

I have to admit when my friend told me about the death I didn’t know that much about Mr Falwell. I was keen to go out for a few beers though and I wanted to know exactly what we would be celebrating so I turned to wikipedia for some more information.

Here are some facts I found out about the life of Mr Falwell:

In his younger days Falwell was a keen supporter of racial segregation. He was critical of Martin Luther King and the Civil Rights Movement, which he sometimes referred to as the "Civil Wrongs Movement".

On reading this I have to say I instantly warmed to the man, I mean who wouldn’t be critical of Martin Luther King, clearly he was a cunt.
Falwell also demonstrated his good sense of humour with a classic “Civil Wrongs” gag.

Martin Luther King - what a bastard!

Not only was Falwell not too keen on the blacks he was also opposed to gay rights and alledgedly called the gay-oriented Metropolitan Community Churches "brute beasts" and "a vile and Satanic system" that will "one day be utterly annihilated and there will be a celebration in heaven."

No argument there.

Jerry Falwell wrote in America Can Be Saved that "I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them."

Yep, I've gotta agree, that’s clearly the way to “save” America.

In the 1980s Jerry Falwell was critical of sanctions against the Apartheid regime of South Africa.

Who wouldn’t be – clearly Apartheid was a great set up.

A Happy reminder of the glory days of Apartheid.

He called Nobel Peace Prize winner and Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu a phony "as far as representing the black people of South Africa."

Again, very true.

Desmond Tutu - didn’t give a shit about black people.

Jerry Falwell has been called an agent of intolerance and the founder of the anti-gay industry who regularly demonized and dehumanized gays and fought against gay rights.

You have to give him credit for that.

In the early 1980s when the AIDS pandemic was still in its early years and could have been addressed more proactively as a national health crisis he swayed public opinion against people with AIDS saying “AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals, it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.”

The more I read about Falwell the more I wanted to celebrate his life and pay my respects to such a wonderful, kind man.

One of my favourite things I read about Falwell was that he recently claimed that Tinky Winky, (the Teletubbie), was gay. He argued that because Tinky Winky is purple, has antenna shaped like a triangle and carries a magic bag (i.e. woman's purse) that he must be gay. He added "role modelling the gay lifestyle is damaging to the moral lives of children."

I've been saying this for years, clearly Tinky Winky is damaging the moral lives of children. He has to be stopped!

Tinky Winky - agent of Satan.

Perhaps Falwell's finest moment came after the September 11, 2001 attacks, when he said, "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians, I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

I agree, but I'd actually go further and say that September 11th was soley caused by queers. They are clearly fundamentally opposed to our way of life, and like Tinky Winky they need to be stamped out.

Gays - hell bent on the destruction of Freedom.

I'm sure you can agree that some lives are worth celebrating and who's life is more worthy of celebration than this exceptional man. A man who did so much for spreading happiness, tolerance and understanding in a hateful world.

Jerry Falwell - Happy Death day.

2007-05-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

Guns

I started writing this blog a few weeks ago when the shootings in America were the hot topic – it’s not any more but fuck it, a late (shit) blog is better than no blog!

With the recent shootings in America and the murder of the mayor of Nagasaki, Itcho Ito, here in Japan, I thought this blog should turn its attention to this week’s hot topic: gun laws.

After an “Asian”*(1) student in Virginia was able to walk onto his University campus and kill 33 fellow students with guns he purchased legally, some people have called for a tightening up of gun laws. I say to these people that is the sort of dumbass logic that will just play into the crinimals’ hands. This latest murder in Japan proves that banning guns simply doesn’t work and therefore what’s the point!? Admittedly, figures may show that in 2006 there were 30,000 Gun deaths in the US compared with 53 in Japan which is a ratio of 600:1 but that’s not the point. Banning guns doesn’t work and therefore clearly we shouldn’t do it even if facts do show that it significantly reduces the number of gun related deaths.

It doesn’t take a study to realise that a well armed citizenry helps REDUCE violence (so rather than do a study lets just take that as fact). I propose that everyone be given a gun,…. kids, women, pensioners, babies, disabled’s, blacks…. everyone. And before you say “Bazza, you’ve lost your mind, how can you give all those people guns!?” think about it…. criminals freely admit that the fact that some people may carry concealed guns makes them really nervous about picking out a potential victim. Just think, Granny may be packing a Kimber custom 45!

Bottom line, CRIMINALS DO NOT WANT TO FACE ARMED VICTIMS, THEREFORE GIVE EVERYONE A GUN!

The way I see it, if you wanna stay unarmed, that’s your choice,….. but if you become a statistic, don’t come crying to me. You’ve been warned, now get yourself a gun and stop crying like a girl.

I blame this whole outcry about guns on the mainstream media’s liberal/socialist agenda. What these liberal pansies need to learn is that gun bans don't work and it's simple to understand. The proof is in Nagasaki. A criminal, without regard for the total ban on firearms in Japan, shot and killed the Mayor of that city. I mean yeah you may point out that was just one incident and point to the respective gun related deaths in both countries as evidence that gun bans do work, but then you’d just be being a liberal pussy!

For me, Gun Free Zones are potential slaughterhouses for those with evil intent. I reckon that guy Cho probably laughed to himself as he read the "Gun Free Zone" signs when he entered the University buildings. Had the sign read “Gun Zone” then I don’t think he would have been laughing quite so hard!

I wonder if we would have all this gun grabbing bullshit if instead of using a gun, he waited outside with a car or truck and when there were enough victims on the street/sidewalk he ran them all down and killed 30 to 40. Would we be banning cars/trucks? Would we be banning tires? Would News sites be printing headlines where the car/truck was purchased??

I don’t think so, do you!!! – what is it with this prejudice towards guns!

Yeah sure some people may say “hey Bazza, that’s a fucking retarded comparison as cars and trucks serve the useful function of transporting billions of people and goods around the world whereas guns are designed pretty much solely for killing people.” I say to these people “fuck off and stop using reason you fucking logical thinking cunts!”

You can’t blame the gun or the car – if you ban guns you’ll have to end up banning every potential murder weapon - the person did this act and nothing else (it wasn’t the guns fault!) – take away his gun and he could have done it just as easily with another weapon – like a 15th Century Cinquedea sword*(2)

The point is that everyone should be required to carry a gun. This massacre in Virginia was the direct result of the gun ban laws. I mean you may to think it is better to focus on the psychological factors that drove this student to want to murder dozens of his peers and himself, but that is missing the point. Clearly the main reason this tragedy happened was the gun control laws at the university! By disarming the entire student body and faculty at the university, these laws enabled this wacko to gun down those students like turkeys at a turkey shoot. If someone at VA Tech had a gun, they would have been able to combat the shooter and prevent this disaster.

No maybe about it. Giving people guns prevents gun related deaths!

I can point to a perfect example of gun control. In Atlanta after some negros showed up after Katrina there was an obvious rise in the crime rate. Breaking and entering.... and you know what happened!? They were shot dead.....justifiable homocide, no charges filed. Guess what? It stopped. If that's not "control" I don't know what is.

"there's nothing wrong with shooting.....as long as the right people are getting shot"　(i.e. Blacks)
. - Dirty Harry

I keep my guns and I will shoot to kill. If it means the odd easily preventable death of a family member through some gun related accident (of which there are thousands each year) then so be it. Everyone owning a gun is the best way we can all be protected, and it is MY duty to protect myself and my family. Period.

I hold exactly the same view with safety around the World – if every country owned weapons of mass destruction then we’d all be much safer as no-one would dare attack anyone else, because remember….. Granny could be packing a Kimber custom 45 or Afghanistan could have its own nuclear weapon! If everyone was armed we’d all be much safer!

It is for this reason, because I am a lover of peace and freedom, that I fully support the U.S. and British troops in their mission in Iraq…..

No wait a minute…, hang on…..

* (1) note: it is important to point out that the killer was an “Asian”, or as I prefer, slitty eyed yellow monkey

* (2) The 15th Century Cinquedea is so named because of its five-finger wide blade at the hilt. The Cinquedea was designed to use force to penetrate gaps in armor plate, with the width of blade giving the weapon its strength.

* (3) I would like to thank some of the bloggers on www.cbsnews.com for providing the inspiration for this blog. Without their completely retarded views this post would not have been possible.

2007-05-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

Is it me or are stupid conversations between two people you don’t know not that interesting or amusing?

When poking goes wrong……

Some bird: i've been poking somebody else
i just wanted to let you know so you didn't hear it from another

Bazza: what the fuck!!!??? who????

Some bird: it doesn't matter, bazza
don't get all crazy

Bazza: just fucking tell me

Some bird: it's not going to make you feel any better
i'll still poke you if you want

Bazza: i have to know

Some bird: i don't want you hurting anyone.
i know how you get

Bazza: is it male?

Some bird: which one?

Bazza: the poker

Some bird: ummm....yeah...not just one poker

Bazza: how many?
have u been getting DP'd (double poked?)

Some bird: sometimes
they just come from everywhere, all the time
it's exhausting
look, i'm getting upset
i gotta go

Bazza: you're upset!!!? how do u think i feel!!!?

Some bird: deal with it bazza!!!!
you knew what kind of girl i was when you started poking me!!!
but you thought your poke was sooooo good i'd never want another
well it isn't enough!!!
im sorry but you made me say it

Bazza: u saying my poker is too small?

Some bird: no of course not
amazingly, your poker is identical to everyone else

Bazza: u've got some serious poking issues u need to deal with

Some bird: i know
i'm so fucked up

Bazza: i thought we could have had a nice healthy poking relationship
but you had to go ruin it didn't you!

Some bird: nonono
we can still poke

Bazza: its not the same

Some bird: i didnt mean to hurt you
i just wanted to poke you
and everyone else

Bazza: it started with a poke, and now you’ve turned me into a joke

Some bird: maybe if you had taken time to understand my interests and activities, it would have been different, but you just wanted to poke
and this is what you get

Bazza: i just don' t think you take it seriously enough
to you it's all just one big poke joke

Some bird: oh no you dont
if there is one thing in life i take seriously
it's poking

Bazza: u can't just go around poking people willy nilly and not thinking about the consequences
i mean have u even thought about protection?

Some bird: look, i don't poke those kind of people
I’m just sick of this, the secrets, the lies, I don’t want to feel like this anymore
always poking
thinking about poking

Bazza: what is it that you really want?

Some bird: i don't know
i just have this poke-shaped hole that i can never seem to fill

Bazza: it used to be such fun
those days when we'd just poke each other all day long

Some bird: no use getting all nostalgic
we can't go back there
we were different people then
we have to deal with now

Bazza: i can't talk about this anymore
it upsets me too much

Some bird: fine
i was leaving anywy

Bazza: its over

Some bird: whatever

2007-05-15T18:00:00.000-07:00

As I have been inundated with questions as to when I am going to update the blog I thought I would take this opportunity (exam week so no classes at school) to do so. In the time since the last post I’ve started writing a few entries but then I normally just get bored half way through and think this is shit, I can’t be arsed, I’ll go and check the facebook home page instead….

I’ll get there and then think……

Better return these 17 pokes I’ve just received……

Ahh I see Bevin Nyarlathotep Dunlevy has joined the group “People Who Always Have To Spell Their Names For Other People” (10:27am)

Sarah Taylor has removed "Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home" from her list of favourite movies. (10.31am)

Oh and Ben Randall has written on my wall. (10:39am) “dont ignore me you little cunt”.

(pretty much the exact same shit joke I used in the last entry that)

I blame the internet – it has a mesmerising power of distraction. There are just so many ways to spend a day at “work” – facebook, toyamajets, gmail chat, msn, wikipedia, online chess, guardian online, youtube - are just some of the examples that fill my time.

The trouble is that although I don’t feel bored while I’m switching between these various sites, afterwards, I kind of think “was that remotely productive or am I wasting my life” (A bit like how one might feel after watching an episode of Big Brother). I could have been studying Japanese, or writing my blog, or preparing lessons……

This web-surfing is seriously addictive – at any one time I’ll have about 8 different windows open and it’ll feel as though I’m really busy even though I actually have absolutely nothing of importance going on! At the end of the day I’ll look back and think “shit I had no time to write my blog today, or reply to those wall messages or emails I got, or buy my mum’s birthday present, or prepare that hanko sheet for tomorrow’s 2-5 class. I was just too busy!!!”

Anyway, my plan for this morning is to finish off some of those blog entries I’ve started before I get distracted again….

Oh fuck!!! Death Metal Hell has just taken my queen.......

2007-03-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

Facebook

As this is March (the infamous month in a JET participants life when nothing ever happens) I have been spending a fair bit of time on facebook. As it seems have a number of other people in Toyama, inbetween reading other people’s blogs, travelling and watching Quantum Leap.

Here are some of things I like best about facebook (to be honest, I have nicked some of these ideas):

1.) The pointlessness of it

Facebook serves no purpose other than keeping dead friendships on life support and providing a space for people to complain about shit that no one cares about. (to be honest I didn’t think of that it was a quote I stole from somewhere on the internet - I changed the word “junk” to “shit” though because I thought it sounded better). This is the beauty of facebook, there is pretty much no point to it.

2.) Friends that you don’t really know or care about.

I like the way you get to add people who you vaguely know or knew 10 years ago as friends. You probably don't give a shit 'what they're up to now' but you leave one totally shit message on their wall, and they leave one totally shit message on your wall and then that’s it. (I copied that from my brother).

I also like the way some people add you as friends but know so little about them you can’t even write a totally shit message on their wall. It just looks like you’ve got more mates.

3.) Walls

I like it when people organise nights out and stuff via walls – facebook is clearly the best way of sorting out a night out.
Other enjoyable things about walls are a) people writing things that embarrass and/or reflect poorly on the person and b) no one writing at all and making the person seem like a loser.

4.) Pokes

Pokes are classic facebook. Totally pointless and signify nothing. Accepting a poke isn't an option, you can only hide a poke or poke back so once you’ve started a poke exchange there is no end to it. I particularly like the way having sent a poke it says “you have poked _________”
(____________ means the persons name)
I find this works best with Joy Neely.

4.) The gifts

I love the idea that people would actually pay money to send one of those gifts! Why would you do that!? "yeah didn't know what to get you for your birthday so I just paid for a totally shit little picture of a bear on the internet. I hope you like it."

5.) The bit where you get to say how you know the person.

It’s funny when you get to say you hooked up with people, and it’s sexy.

6.) The way on your profile if gives you two separate headings – one for activities and one for interests.

What’s the difference though? If you played badminton, would that be an interest or an activity? Wouldn’t it be an activity you are interested in? (This bit is stolen from Jamie)

7.) The News Feed

Probably my favourite thing about facebook is the News feed – I love the random bits of information it gives you.
For example:

Alan Hughes added “shagging” to his favourite activities. 4:35pm

Steve Thomson’s relationship is no longer listed as “complicated” 4:15pm

Chris Allen left the group You don’t have to be mental to work at Cheltenham and Gloucester morgages…… but it helps!!!!. 2:14pm

Lisa Jones added “Sister Act 2: Back in the habit” to her list of favourite movies. 1:45pm

Jim Griffin wrote on Simon Andrews wall. 11.33am
“"Achhk, you bahhhhhstaaard! That's not me bagpipe!"”

If you haven’t already joined facebook I definitely recommend it, it’s a great way to spend one’s life.

2007-03-23T00:19:00.000-07:00

Red Face

In Japan it seems that a week cannot go by without someone telling me I have a red face. Phrases I often hear include “sugoi akai kao!” (you have an amazingly red face) “honto ni akai kao!” (you have a seriously red face) and “kanpekina akai kao” (you have the perfect red face).

It’s not really a compliment though is it? Having a red face is not exactly a thing you generally associate with good looks or beauty. You don’t normally hear conversations like this:

Barry: Check out that little fittie over there.

Mavo: Yeah, she is a real beauty, just look as those great knockers.

Barry: I’d love to have it off with her. What an amazing body.

Mavo: Yeah fucking gorgeous red face too.

People don’t tend to go to dating agencies and give their preferences like this: I’m hoping for a tall, dark haired, handsome man. A good sense of humour and an outgoing personality are essential. Oh, and if possible I’d really like him to have a red face.

Having a red face is so not attractive there isn’t even a weird niche porno site dedicated to it. You can find sites showing a woman sucking a dog’s cock or a midget shitting on a fat black woman’s face (so I’ve heard), but it seems that there are not even sick weirdo pervs that like red faces. I’ve never seen or heard of a porn site advertising “sexy red faced babes”.

I don’t know why all these people keep feeling they have to tell me I have a red face. I mean, I don’t usually go up to people and point out their unattractive features. I don’t come into school and say “hey Miyamoto sensei, you know, you have really disgusting teeth” or “by the way, Kawaguchi san, you’re a fat bastard”.

Why the red face.

2007-03-07T18:23:00.000-08:00

It is often said that Japan falls behind other leading industralised nations when it comes to the treatment of women. Personally, I think this is complete bullshit. In fact, I think Japan should be praised for its attitudes towards gender equality.

I mean, sure, people can point out the fact that males tend to dominate in all walks of life in Japan but I think that’s missing the point. Ok, studies do show that Japanese women fall behind women in most other countries in economic and decision-making roles. Big wow. Yeah it’s true that Japan ranked a lowly 41st out of 70 countries in a recent United Nations Gender Empowerment study. So what!?

Does this mean that women are treated as inferior to men in Japan? I don’t think so.
Some people say that Japan’s business climate tends to be male-dominated. But is it really!? I mean, people may point to the figures that show that in Japan only 3% of department managers are female. Who cares! And so what if salaries for Japanese women are on average less than half of that of their male co-workers!? Is that really important?
I think that men and women are treated exactly as they should be, particularly on TV and across the media. I don’t think there is any objectification of women as sex objects at all. Also I don’t think you could never say that Japanese women are patronized. In fact, I think if anything, companies tend to be too feminist!

For example, an advert for Tokyo Gas Company a few years ago was praised for its enlightened attitude towards women. It was actually so successful that it even won the prestigious Asahi Advertising Prize.

Here is a brief description of the advert. It would probably be better to just show it but I couldn’t find it on youtube so what can you do.

The advert starts by showing a woman carrying out some normal everyday women’s duties (in this case, she is in the kitchen, wearing an apron and washing dishes whilst next to her a pot is boiling on a stove). It then shows the woman's reflection in a mirror, putting on lipstick (again, a perfectly normal thing for a woman to be doing). However, she can’t put the lipstick on very well because she is not looking at herself, she is watching the pot on the stove.

The advert is for a gas cooker with a special sensor that automatically stops the gas when the fire goes out. A caption read, "Toshi gasu wa feminsuto ne?" meaning, "City Gas is a feminist, isn't it?"

The idea is that because Tokyo Gas brought out this special gas cooker, it helps women with their tasks. She now doesn’t have to worry about the flame going out and her house filling with gas. This cooker would free her from constantly watching the stove and allow her to continue with her important “woman’s jobs” like doing the dishes, or putting on make-up.

I mean some people might argue that this is blatantly chauvinistic, but I would say that’s just political correctness gone mad! To me, this truly is an example of feminism – it is thinking about women’s needs. What a considerate company Tokyo Gas must be – always thinking about how it can improve women’s lives. For example, a woman might be in a real rush, she’s got a shitload of cleaning to do and she’s gotta cook dinner – how does she find the time to put her make up on!!!? Now, thanks to this new cooker she doesn’t have to worry about watching the stove the whole time.

No wonder the advert won an award.

I think these people moaning about gender inequalities and the like just need to chill the fuck out. Like I say, it’s political correctness gone mad!

I mean, for fucks sake, some people would probably even find this following video offensive. Personally I cannot see what the hell is wrong with a man going up to random women in the street and lifting their skirts and pulling their knickers down. Surely that is just a bit of harmless fun?

“Nihon wa feminsuto ne?”

2007-03-04T03:53:00.000-08:00

video is nsfw

2007-02-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

Thanks for your feedback on that last blog entry Richard, very useful, I’ve taken it on board. As it’s clear I haven’t quite found my true blog voice yet I thought I’d maybe try a couple of different styles out. I just want to find a voice that I think is really me – I can’t cope with worrying about what I sound like all the time. I want to be able to write in a way that really reflects who I am and my true feelings. I think with this post I’m a little bit closer to finding that. Perhaps you can have a read of it and let me know what you think.

This post is to be read in a really high pitched, camp, gay man voice. I’m thinking someone like Dale Winton or the guy who helps produce the sitcom in Extras.

Oooohhh I’d like to tell you about my night at the wonderful valentine dance last week!

It was Friday night and I was ever so excited about the party. I’d even started to come over a little queer! I got home from school about 5.30 and I’d arranged for a parcel to be delivered between 5.30 and 7.30. The only trouble was I needed to go out to buy some finishing touches to my delightful pink outfit for the party.

I thought to myself “ooohhh what shall I do!” – should I go and get my fancy pink things or should I stay and wait for the delivery. It wasn’t the only delivery I was hoping for, if you know what I mean!

Eventually I decided that if I went out and was ever so quick it'd only take about 15 minutes and probably the parcel wouldn't be delivered in that time.

However, when I got back wearing some lovely pink bunny rabbit ears I discovered the delivery people had already been and gone...

Oooohhh, I was so annoyed! I mean, I’d only slipped in and out for a few minutes and already the delivery men had come. This was now the 4th time those delivery boys had tried to come over my place!

Fortunately, a big strapping lad returned with my parcel about 30 minutes later. I said to him “this isn’t the only big package I’d like to get my hands on!”

Ooooohhh, now I was soooooo relieved and excited! I’d wanted to open up that little surprise for a long time!

When I got my hands on the package I couldn’t rip the wrapping off quick enough. I opened it up and inside I found a huge black dildo called Denzil.

I thought “ooohhh that’ll come in handy later!”

After a quick scrub down in the shower I got a text from my friend saying he was on his way round. I sent one back saying “hang on darling, I’m not quite ready for your entry yet”. I mean, I was stood there stark naked with my phone in one hand and a big black dildo in the other!

When my friend eventually came round I said “how do you fancy gobbling on some Mexican?” He said “yeah I wouldn’t mind, but can we get some food first!”

Together we headed out to Peyotes restaurant for Mexican food. It was yummy – I love a nice bit of spicy meat inside me! When we were in there I made the mistake of ordering too much food! That big sausage looked so tempting but I couldn’t quite swallow it all down. Silly me - eyes too big for my stomach again!

We had a lovely little gossip over a couple of drinks in peyotes before moving onto Banana bar for the party. This didn’t feel at all strange for me because I’m pretty used to entering bananas! At first it was a little quiet so I thought I’d go and get some drinks in. I ordered a beer and after the barman poured it he asked me if I wanted him to top it up. I said “nah it’s ok, I like to be given a bit of head!”

To really get into the swing of things I ordered some tequila slammers. The barman brought out the tequila, some salt and an uncut lemon. Sometimes I like them uncut but on this occasion I fancied a sliced lemon. I asked the barman to cut it up and when he pulled out his knife I said “ooohhhh, what a great big chopper!”

After sinking a few drinks it was time to hit the dance floor. We danced to all the classics – ABBA, Kylie, the Lighthouse family, and M people. The night passed by in a haze of drink, disco, dancing and dick (Richard).

After the nomihoudai finished at 2am some party people moved on to 135s. I decided to call it a night though - I was worn out, and I had to get home and see Denzil!

2007-02-08T01:23:00.000-08:00

As an ALT (Assistant Language Teacher) you often find yourself with a lot of free time to think about lesson plans and ideas. One popular way of spending this time is by talking to fellow ALTs through internet messenger services about lesson plans and ideas. It’s a great way to share ideas and to discuss the various merits of different teaching methods. Here is the text of one such conversation, a most informative and useful discussion I’m sure you’ll agree. I hope this of some use to fellow foreign language teachers in Japan or to those people who want to get an idea of what being an ALT is like.

The two ALT’s names have been changed to protect their identity.

Mavo: Good morning Bazza, how are you?

Bazza: I’m fine thank you, and you?

Mavo: I’m sleepy.

Bazza: how's ur kocho sensei today? Has he been on the beers?

Mavo: he's going fucking crazy. he threw a TV out of the window because someone didn't say 'ohaiyo -gozaimasu'

Bazza: he is a fuckin’ nutter!

Mavo: he's now slumped in his chair, vomit dripping from his gaping mouth
i think he's asleep, but i'm afraid to approach in case he isn't

Bazza: i wouldn't go near him if i were you

Mavo: how's ragga juice's latest beau?

Bazza:　he's only been banged up aint he?
called this copper a cunt, spat in his face then nutted him

Mavo:　ha ha
I shouldn't laugh, because last time I did he set fire to a dog and then told everyone I did it. it got in the asahi news and everything

Bazza:　english club girls are proppa gutted, they love raga

Mavo:　yeah right. but there aren't too many of them out here

Mavo:　my kocho-sensei has just told everyone to 'fuck off' in a Mancunian accent. I think he models himself on Liam Gallagher

Bazza:　good that he's picking up some english though?

Mavo:　true. he's been repeating the same profanities since october though. it's getting a little tedious
he tried to do it in the style of Glaswegian tramp last week but just got poo-pooed by the rest of the teachers.
they poo-pooed him

Bazza:　yeah - good that he is varying his accents though?
has he done the irish tramp who has pissed himself sat next to a cash machine asking for money and calling you a cunt one yet?

Mavo:i think it would be better if he just tried to get really good at one. He has tried that tramp one but it doesn’t really work.

Bazza:　so what is the general feeling towards him from the other teachers?

Mavo:　love/hate

Bazza:　he divides the staff room then?

Mavo:　a couple of months ago he did the Lily Savage thing. He came into work dressed up as some sort of transexual-cross dressing light entertainer and starting doing an impromptu stand-up routine in front of the school at the welcome ceremony. It went down like lead ballon though as he did it in english so no one understood apart from me. I didn't find it in the least bit amusing.

Bazza:　he must think u r really special - to go to these lengths to learn english so he can make you laugh

Mavo:　most teachers encourage his behaviour though as it lifts their own self-esteem seeing someone plummit to the depths of depravity in such a public way

Bazza:　its amazing he managed to make it as kocho sensei

Mavo:　true. i wouldn't trust him with a toothbrush.

Bazza:　i just went to a japanese tea ceremonｙ、have u been to one?

Mavo:　yeah a couple of times.

Bazza: very formal affairs aren't they

unfortunately our one just now was soured somewhat by the kyoto sensei running in with his cock out and pissing on the tatami mats

Mavo:　that's a real shame

Bazza: i know - it is a class at school that some of students have been rehearsing for months they kindly invited me to the final presentation today, only for it to be ruined by one pissed inconsiderate japanese teacher
unbelievable really

when he started doing a shit a couple of the teachers grabbed him and forcefully removed him

Mavo: your kyoto-sensei has quite a reputation

Bazza:　yes - i think him and your kocho sensei are old drinking partners
they are known throughout asahi

Mavo:　last week they ramraided the conbini outside my apartment with a supermarket trolley

Bazza: someone should really say something about them,

Mavo: i think everyone is too scared of what they'll do to them though

Bazza: that’s true, apparently some bloke called the police after they set fire to his house for a laugh

Mavo:　yeah and they have connections. last time anyone said anything the whole town was flooded with icecream.
i think they are friends with the ice cream factories in Osaka and Nagoya and other industrial hubs

Bazza:　Another time, because some bloke called the police they gauged out his eyes with a spoon and then simultaneously skuｌｌfucked him whilst a transexual bummed him with a strap on
they then emailed the video to everyone in asahi
my supervisor was telling me about it

Mavo:　yeah i saw it on the net
i think the transexual was one of my kitchen 'ladies'
her names Gertrude and she has a penchant for buggery and other deviancies. She gets on well with the kocho

Bazza:　she works at your school now does she?

Mavo:　i wouldn't call it work.

Bazza:　apparently she used to own her own brothel but it shut down after several of the whores were found out to have aids

Mavo:　fucking 'ell!

Bazza:　my supervisor tells me she is still doing a bit of the old "work" for some of her former punters

Mavo:　 well, she manages to simulate sex in the canteen whenever possible. she mauled one of the 1st graders earlier. the kocho sensei merely looked on and applauded.

Bazza: sick fuckers! Anyway I should be going now, I’ve gotta go teach

Mavo: Ok, good talking to you.

2007-02-05T17:23:00.000-08:00

Making a blog entry (back to life).

I have decided to start writing in this blog.

My reasons for starting it up again are ............

1.) because when I get this really popular blog everyone will want me to come and write for their magazine, pay me to advertise on my site, offer me recording contracts etc.
2.) I am scared of being permanently “abandoned and left to the web graveyard”.
3.) I need to add a funny line here.

The main trouble with starting up the blog again is that I have to try to think of something that I can be arsed to write about. For me this is a big problem. After such a long gap since the last (and only) post I feel as though the next one should be quite good (but so far this entry is totally shit). I think the way forward is just to post stuff all the time – that way if you post something crap it’s soon forgotten. Also it’s really annoying when you keep going back to someone’s blog in the hope they’ve updatted it but you keep seeing the same headline. For example, tonedog’s blog when he had that “Passion for passion” heading up for fucking ages!

Since my last post I have thought of a number of different things I could make my next entry about.

When I was reading the “things to do in Toyama” monthly newsletter a couple of months back one of the month’s highlights was the Uozu “illuminations”. Basically this consists of a few Christmas lights around the station. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of these lights to show people just what a “highlight” these really were! I couldn’t be bothered though.

Another idea I had was to look at the comments to my last post for inspiration for what to write about this time. I quite liked the image of this “web graveyard” that I have been abandoned to – I thought about writing this dramatic description of how I was going to ressurect myself. Something along the lines of ….

It was a foul and stormy night and from the midst of a dark woodland strange sounds could be heard. The cry of a wolf howling, the toot of an owl and the relentless crashing of the wind and rain. From deep within the murky depths of this vile landscape a distguisting creature began to stir. Leaves rustled and brances snapped, as slowly but surely the dormant beast began to emerge. First its head and shoulders rose cautiously from the sess pool of decay. Next its giant body clawed itself out of the detesable bog from which it came. Before long the full horror of this monstrosity became apparent……

……Barry and Maverick’s Japan World Blog Tour was back from the dead.

This was just one idea for a blog post anyway. However, I thought that on its own that wasn’t really enough for a whole blog entry and also I’m not very good at using big words. So I searched on the internet for “back from the dead” to see if I could find any inspiration to drag it out a bit or just for stuff to copy and pretend it was my own work.

The most interesting things I found in this search were the details of a film about a newly married young woman who is possessed by the evil spirit of her husband's deceased first wife. The possession turns her into a scheming killer who will stop at nothing to get what she wants.

I couldn’t really think of anyway of incorporating this into the back from the dead blog idea other than just mentioning it for no reason (which I have done). The next related thing I found on the internet was a book interested in what would happen if the United States abolished the death penalty and emptied its Death Rows? If the killers were released from prison would they kill again?

At first I thought this sounded kind of interesting but then I thought nah, it’s probably pretty boring and not very inspiring for my blog. Dunno why I’m including it really.

The final thing I found on the internet was a piece of writing called How to Bring Someone Back from the Dead by Veronica Schanoes. I found the title to be slightly misleading as it didn’t actually appear to tell you how to bring people back from the dead. Shame, because that would probably be quite a useful skill to have.

So as a result of this searching I became a little disillusioned with this back from the dead idea and thought about other options. After playing around with all these different ideas on what to write at last a good idea came to me – (I say good….) I thought “I know I’ll write a blog entry all about my attempts to write an original and interesting blog entry!” So this is what I’ve tried to do.

I don’t really feel as though I’ve found my “blog voice” yet (see above). I get these good ideas (I say good...)in my head but then when I write them down they just don’t seem to work very well. When I write something I usually read it back to myself and end up thinking “twat.” (as I have just done on reading that back to myself). (I’ve now read this back a few times and it gets worse every time).

Shirley Kawa-Jump from the internet says that finding your true writing voice is a lot like falling in love -- you know it when it happens. Until then, you bumble along, trying this style and that, wondering if this is it or if a better voice is out there just waiting for you. You question and doubt, reaching nearly the point of despair before finally, your true voice comes to you and you know exactly who you are as a writer.

I think for now I am just starting out in the bumbling along, questioning and doubting, nearly reaching the point of despair stage. People (Richard) will read my work and think, “yeah he’s tried to make that funny, hasn't really worked has it!” For now I will be thinking the same thing but once I eventually find my true voice it’ll be as though I’ve fallen in love!

So I better post some new stuff quick so this crap gets forgotten!

2006-03-16T19:26:00.000-08:00

Blogs

As this is March (the infamous month in a JET participants life when nothing ever happens) I have decided to start writing a blog. Unfortunately as I am not creative enough to think of my own words, I have decided to copy everyone else’s blogs and pretend its my own work. In March everybody is looking for ways to entertain themselves. As far as I can tell the entire JET population will be spending a full fourth of the month writing their blog. The other three fourths of month (fourths is not my word, it is copied from someone else’s blog – I personally would have chosen quarters), will be spent reading other people’s blogs, travelling and watching Quantum Leap.

Due the number of Toyama jets who write blogs (and the amount of free time you have) you find yourself reading the blogs of people despite not really knowing who they are. When you do eventually meet them I imagine conversations go a little like this… "Hi, I'm Francie - hey, it sounds like you had an amazing time in Kyoto in June 05, you looked really good in the photos - is "Abby" actually your girfriend? You talk about her quite a lot, how is she finding art school?".

One of my friends recently wrote in his blog about how he has been reading a book on mythic archytpes (whatever they are) in society by Joseph Campbell (whoever he is). He says it's quite interesting. Anyway this led him to post some entries about the many different paths of manhood that one can follow. So in a similar vein, I figured I'd start a series of the many possible blog entries that one can write. This is the first one:

1.) The “what I’ve been up to recently in extensive detail” blog:

This common type of blog is like a diary, I think it is written for personal use mainly to look back at in years to come and think, “those few days around late February/ early March 2006 were good, but not as good the greatest day ever which was 23rd February 2006, Oh man, that was a totally awesome day!”

Unfortunately for those readers that are not involved in the blog writer’s posts, reading them can be pretty boring. These blogs are limited in that they are only really interesting to good friends and family of the blogger and the blogger themselves. Often these type of blogs will contain subtle jokes that only certain people will get (i.e. Ragajuice went on a total mental one last night and started calling my Kocho-sensei a cunt!).

The “what I’ve been up to recently in extensive detail” blog can be entertaining if entries are kept brief and more importantly, if something genuinely interesting has happened in the blogger’s life. For example if they went on a crazy scooter adventure and ended up sleeping in a park in the freezing cold, an amusing incident occurred involving the theft of one’s bento lunch, or if they went to Mexico for “spring break”, got totally wasted, and ended up having “Thug Life” tattooed across their naval.

2.) The “I can’t be fuckt” blog

This type of blog, contains entries such as…..

“got to work... kinda bored.. very sleepy KICK ME PLEASE!”

“feel like crap. wish i had a drink.”

“the countdown begins... 7 days till i'm back in Miami. Hell yeah!!!”

“I'm bored. So bored. Want to die. Onagai. Maybe will study Japanese”

“i think i ate too much.i just wanna go home and take a nap and have it not be snowing.oh god, did i turn my heater off?”

Entries tend to be posted very infrequently, although do pick up during the month of March. “I can’t be fuckt” type posts can be found in many types of blog. Sometimes these entries are only posted out of a sense of obligation – i.e. I can’t be arsed to think of anything to write but I’ve said I’ll post something every week so this shit will have to do.

3.) The “random pointless comment blog”

Examples include:
“Adam's dad Ed has made it safely to Japan and is currently in Uozu.”

4.) The “nothing that interesting has happened to me recently so I’ll exagerrate and bullshit to make this blog more entertaining” blog

For example:

What actually happened:
you saw a random person you fancied (girl or boy) in a bar and exchanged glances. Some bloke pushed you when you were trying to get a drink.

What your blog says:
I saw this girl checking me out at the bar so I strolled over. Whilst at the bar some dick pushed me and spilt my drink so I smashed my glass on the bar and jammed the shards in his thighs. As he bent over in pain, I kneed him in the face and buried my fist in his gut. Then I turned to the girl, we ended up chatting for a while. Before long we decided to go outside for some fresh air, I took her down an alley and grabbed her ass and started kissing her. She he let out one of those, 'stop it, ..no...keep going.' moans. and i ripped her belt off and pulled down her knickers....

5.) The “let’s compile lists” blog

Always a favourite, when struggling to think what to write, many bloggers go for the classic, let’s compile a list of stuff. Examples include lists of…….
favourite Japanese foods, rules to driving in Kurobe, things to do whilst in Japan, American authors, places to hang out in Toyama on a Sunday morning whilst waiting for the bowling alley to open, Gap stores I have shopped at in Japan, and celebrities I look like.
6.) The "fill up space inserting pictures" blog

When I work out how to put up pictures I might put some in here.

7.) The "fill up space inserting an amusing news story" blog

This is a great way to fill up space in your blog without actually having to think of anything to write: just find a funny news story and cut and paste, too easy.

‘Creative plumbing’ delivers beer - 15th March 2006
A woman said she thought she was in heaven when she turned on the kitchen tap to find a plentiful supply of beer.
Haldis Gundersen was planning to do the washing up when she made the unusual discovery at her apartment in Kristiansund, west Norway.
But two flights below, workers in a bar faced the more disappointing realisation that water was flowing from their beer taps.
A worker had connected a beer barrel to the apartment water pipe by mistake.
"I turned on the tap to clean some knives and forks, and beer came out," Ms Gundersen told Reuters news agency. "We thought we were in heaven."
But the beer was flat and tasted odd, she said.
Downstairs at the Big Tower Bar, workers realised what the problem was - a new barrel had been misconnected to Ms Gundersen's water supply.
"The water and beer pipes do touch each other, but you have to be really creative to connect them together," said Per Egil Myrvang from the local beer distributor. He helped employees to rectify the problem over the telephone.
Ms Gundersen bore no grudge. She said "If it happens again, I'm going to order Baileys" (b-boomtsssshh).

Lovely story. Really lovely story.
Note: (b-boomtsssshh thankyou thankyou) is often added in blogs after a shit joke to let readers know that it was indeed a joke.

8.) The "why are you writing this, I don't give a shit, I'm bored reading this, you are wasting both mine and your own life!? blog"

Oh no sorry that’s not a blog, that’s the Toyamajets message board!

9.) The “clever, funny comment on an amusing recent incident” blog

For me this is one of the few blogs that is actually remotely worth reading. This type of blog often focuses on a bizzare or annoying aspect of life in Japan attempts to put a funny spin on it. It can sound a bit like moaning to an outsider reading it but on the whole I find them much more entertaining than your “what I’ve been up to recently in extensive detail” blogs. I don’t want to hear blogs where people go on about how great their life is and what really “fun” stuff they’ve been up to – (like those group emails people send out when they are travelling in Australia – they are fucking boring!!!). I want to hear about random encounters with insane Japanese people with humourous names such as “The Jumper” or “The Toilet Man”.
This type of blog often ends with one simple line that cleverly sums the whole post and leaves you thinking “hey, they’re so cool, what a great writer, so funny, I can’t wait for their next blog!”

10.) The “write one fairly long entry then never really post again due to a combination of laziness and a lack of creativity” blog

So what type of blog entry is this? I think you can draw your own conclusions.

2006-03-16T16:21:00.000-08:00

Test(icle)