As an ALT (Assistant Language Teacher) you often find yourself with a lot of free time to think about lesson plans and ideas. One popular way of spending this time is by talking to fellow ALTs through internet messenger services about lesson plans and ideas. It’s a great way to share ideas and to discuss the various merits of different teaching methods. Here is the text of one such conversation, a most informative and useful discussion I’m sure you’ll agree. I hope this of some use to fellow foreign language teachers in Japan or to those people who want to get an idea of what being an ALT is like.

The two ALT’s names have been changed to protect their identity.

Mavo: Good morning Bazza, how are you?

Bazza: I’m fine thank you, and you?

Mavo: I’m sleepy.

Bazza: how's ur kocho sensei today? Has he been on the beers?

Mavo: he's going fucking crazy. he threw a TV out of the window because someone didn't say 'ohaiyo -gozaimasu'

Bazza: he is a fuckin’ nutter!

Mavo: he's now slumped in his chair, vomit dripping from his gaping mouth
i think he's asleep, but i'm afraid to approach in case he isn't

Bazza: i wouldn't go near him if i were you

Mavo: how's ragga juice's latest beau?

Bazza:　he's only been banged up aint he?
called this copper a cunt, spat in his face then nutted him

Mavo:　ha ha
I shouldn't laugh, because last time I did he set fire to a dog and then told everyone I did it. it got in the asahi news and everything

Bazza:　english club girls are proppa gutted, they love raga

Mavo:　yeah right. but there aren't too many of them out here

Mavo:　my kocho-sensei has just told everyone to 'fuck off' in a Mancunian accent. I think he models himself on Liam Gallagher

Bazza:　good that he's picking up some english though?

Mavo:　true. he's been repeating the same profanities since october though. it's getting a little tedious
he tried to do it in the style of Glaswegian tramp last week but just got poo-pooed by the rest of the teachers.
they poo-pooed him

Bazza:　yeah - good that he is varying his accents though?
has he done the irish tramp who has pissed himself sat next to a cash machine asking for money and calling you a cunt one yet?

Mavo:i think it would be better if he just tried to get really good at one. He has tried that tramp one but it doesn’t really work.

Bazza:　so what is the general feeling towards him from the other teachers?

Mavo:　love/hate

Bazza:　he divides the staff room then?

Mavo:　a couple of months ago he did the Lily Savage thing. He came into work dressed up as some sort of transexual-cross dressing light entertainer and starting doing an impromptu stand-up routine in front of the school at the welcome ceremony. It went down like lead ballon though as he did it in english so no one understood apart from me. I didn't find it in the least bit amusing.

Bazza:　he must think u r really special - to go to these lengths to learn english so he can make you laugh

Mavo:　most teachers encourage his behaviour though as it lifts their own self-esteem seeing someone plummit to the depths of depravity in such a public way

Bazza:　its amazing he managed to make it as kocho sensei

Mavo:　true. i wouldn't trust him with a toothbrush.

Bazza:　i just went to a japanese tea ceremonｙ、have u been to one?

Mavo:　yeah a couple of times.

Bazza: very formal affairs aren't they

unfortunately our one just now was soured somewhat by the kyoto sensei running in with his cock out and pissing on the tatami mats

Mavo:　that's a real shame

Bazza: i know - it is a class at school that some of students have been rehearsing for months they kindly invited me to the final presentation today, only for it to be ruined by one pissed inconsiderate japanese teacher
unbelievable really

when he started doing a shit a couple of the teachers grabbed him and forcefully removed him

Mavo: your kyoto-sensei has quite a reputation

Bazza:　yes - i think him and your kocho sensei are old drinking partners
they are known throughout asahi

Mavo:　last week they ramraided the conbini outside my apartment with a supermarket trolley

Bazza: someone should really say something about them,

Mavo: i think everyone is too scared of what they'll do to them though

Bazza: that’s true, apparently some bloke called the police after they set fire to his house for a laugh

Mavo:　yeah and they have connections. last time anyone said anything the whole town was flooded with icecream.
i think they are friends with the ice cream factories in Osaka and Nagoya and other industrial hubs

Bazza:　Another time, because some bloke called the police they gauged out his eyes with a spoon and then simultaneously skuｌｌfucked him whilst a transexual bummed him with a strap on
they then emailed the video to everyone in asahi
my supervisor was telling me about it

Mavo:　yeah i saw it on the net
i think the transexual was one of my kitchen 'ladies'
her names Gertrude and she has a penchant for buggery and other deviancies. She gets on well with the kocho

Bazza:　she works at your school now does she?

Mavo:　i wouldn't call it work.

Bazza:　apparently she used to own her own brothel but it shut down after several of the whores were found out to have aids

Mavo:　fucking 'ell!

Bazza:　my supervisor tells me she is still doing a bit of the old "work" for some of her former punters

Mavo:　 well, she manages to simulate sex in the canteen whenever possible. she mauled one of the 1st graders earlier. the kocho sensei merely looked on and applauded.

Bazza: sick fuckers! Anyway I should be going now, I’ve gotta go teach

Mavo: Ok, good talking to you.