Thanks for your feedback on that last blog entry Richard, very useful, I’ve taken it on board. As it’s clear I haven’t quite found my true blog voice yet I thought I’d maybe try a couple of different styles out. I just want to find a voice that I think is really me – I can’t cope with worrying about what I sound like all the time. I want to be able to write in a way that really reflects who I am and my true feelings. I think with this post I’m a little bit closer to finding that. Perhaps you can have a read of it and let me know what you think.

This post is to be read in a really high pitched, camp, gay man voice. I’m thinking someone like Dale Winton or the guy who helps produce the sitcom in Extras.


Oooohhh I’d like to tell you about my night at the wonderful valentine dance last week!

It was Friday night and I was ever so excited about the party. I’d even started to come over a little queer! I got home from school about 5.30 and I’d arranged for a parcel to be delivered between 5.30 and 7.30. The only trouble was I needed to go out to buy some finishing touches to my delightful pink outfit for the party.

I thought to myself “ooohhh what shall I do!” – should I go and get my fancy pink things or should I stay and wait for the delivery. It wasn’t the only delivery I was hoping for, if you know what I mean!

Eventually I decided that if I went out and was ever so quick it'd only take about 15 minutes and probably the parcel wouldn't be delivered in that time.

However, when I got back wearing some lovely pink bunny rabbit ears I discovered the delivery people had already been and gone...

Oooohhh, I was so annoyed! I mean, I’d only slipped in and out for a few minutes and already the delivery men had come. This was now the 4th time those delivery boys had tried to come over my place!

Fortunately, a big strapping lad returned with my parcel about 30 minutes later. I said to him “this isn’t the only big package I’d like to get my hands on!”

Ooooohhh, now I was soooooo relieved and excited! I’d wanted to open up that little surprise for a long time!

When I got my hands on the package I couldn’t rip the wrapping off quick enough. I opened it up and inside I found a huge black dildo called Denzil.

I thought “ooohhh that’ll come in handy later!”

After a quick scrub down in the shower I got a text from my friend saying he was on his way round. I sent one back saying “hang on darling, I’m not quite ready for your entry yet”. I mean, I was stood there stark naked with my phone in one hand and a big black dildo in the other!

When my friend eventually came round I said “how do you fancy gobbling on some Mexican?” He said “yeah I wouldn’t mind, but can we get some food first!”

Together we headed out to Peyotes restaurant for Mexican food. It was yummy – I love a nice bit of spicy meat inside me! When we were in there I made the mistake of ordering too much food! That big sausage looked so tempting but I couldn’t quite swallow it all down. Silly me - eyes too big for my stomach again!

We had a lovely little gossip over a couple of drinks in peyotes before moving onto Banana bar for the party. This didn’t feel at all strange for me because I’m pretty used to entering bananas! At first it was a little quiet so I thought I’d go and get some drinks in. I ordered a beer and after the barman poured it he asked me if I wanted him to top it up. I said “nah it’s ok, I like to be given a bit of head!”

To really get into the swing of things I ordered some tequila slammers. The barman brought out the tequila, some salt and an uncut lemon. Sometimes I like them uncut but on this occasion I fancied a sliced lemon. I asked the barman to cut it up and when he pulled out his knife I said “ooohhhh, what a great big chopper!”

After sinking a few drinks it was time to hit the dance floor. We danced to all the classics – ABBA, Kylie, the Lighthouse family, and M people. The night passed by in a haze of drink, disco, dancing and dick (Richard).

After the nomihoudai finished at 2am some party people moved on to 135s. I decided to call it a night though - I was worn out, and I had to get home and see Denzil!

As an ALT (Assistant Language Teacher) you often find yourself with a lot of free time to think about lesson plans and ideas. One popular way of spending this time is by talking to fellow ALTs through internet messenger services about lesson plans and ideas. It’s a great way to share ideas and to discuss the various merits of different teaching methods. Here is the text of one such conversation, a most informative and useful discussion I’m sure you’ll agree. I hope this of some use to fellow foreign language teachers in Japan or to those people who want to get an idea of what being an ALT is like.

The two ALT’s names have been changed to protect their identity.

Mavo: Good morning Bazza, how are you?

Bazza: I’m fine thank you, and you?

Mavo: I’m sleepy.

Bazza: how's ur kocho sensei today? Has he been on the beers?

Mavo: he's going fucking crazy. he threw a TV out of the window because someone didn't say 'ohaiyo -gozaimasu'

Bazza: he is a fuckin’ nutter!

Mavo: he's now slumped in his chair, vomit dripping from his gaping mouth
i think he's asleep, but i'm afraid to approach in case he isn't

Bazza: i wouldn't go near him if i were you

Mavo: how's ragga juice's latest beau?

Bazza:　he's only been banged up aint he?
called this copper a cunt, spat in his face then nutted him

Mavo:　ha ha
I shouldn't laugh, because last time I did he set fire to a dog and then told everyone I did it. it got in the asahi news and everything

Bazza:　english club girls are proppa gutted, they love raga

Mavo:　yeah right. but there aren't too many of them out here

Mavo:　my kocho-sensei has just told everyone to 'fuck off' in a Mancunian accent. I think he models himself on Liam Gallagher

Bazza:　good that he's picking up some english though?

Mavo:　true. he's been repeating the same profanities since october though. it's getting a little tedious
he tried to do it in the style of Glaswegian tramp last week but just got poo-pooed by the rest of the teachers.
they poo-pooed him

Bazza:　yeah - good that he is varying his accents though?
has he done the irish tramp who has pissed himself sat next to a cash machine asking for money and calling you a cunt one yet?

Mavo:i think it would be better if he just tried to get really good at one. He has tried that tramp one but it doesn’t really work.

Bazza:　so what is the general feeling towards him from the other teachers?

Mavo:　love/hate

Bazza:　he divides the staff room then?

Mavo:　a couple of months ago he did the Lily Savage thing. He came into work dressed up as some sort of transexual-cross dressing light entertainer and starting doing an impromptu stand-up routine in front of the school at the welcome ceremony. It went down like lead ballon though as he did it in english so no one understood apart from me. I didn't find it in the least bit amusing.

Bazza:　he must think u r really special - to go to these lengths to learn english so he can make you laugh

Mavo:　most teachers encourage his behaviour though as it lifts their own self-esteem seeing someone plummit to the depths of depravity in such a public way

Bazza:　its amazing he managed to make it as kocho sensei

Mavo:　true. i wouldn't trust him with a toothbrush.

Bazza:　i just went to a japanese tea ceremonｙ、have u been to one?

Mavo:　yeah a couple of times.

Bazza: very formal affairs aren't they

unfortunately our one just now was soured somewhat by the kyoto sensei running in with his cock out and pissing on the tatami mats

Mavo:　that's a real shame

Bazza: i know - it is a class at school that some of students have been rehearsing for months they kindly invited me to the final presentation today, only for it to be ruined by one pissed inconsiderate japanese teacher
unbelievable really

when he started doing a shit a couple of the teachers grabbed him and forcefully removed him

Mavo: your kyoto-sensei has quite a reputation

Bazza:　yes - i think him and your kocho sensei are old drinking partners
they are known throughout asahi

Mavo:　last week they ramraided the conbini outside my apartment with a supermarket trolley

Bazza: someone should really say something about them,

Mavo: i think everyone is too scared of what they'll do to them though

Bazza: that’s true, apparently some bloke called the police after they set fire to his house for a laugh

Mavo:　yeah and they have connections. last time anyone said anything the whole town was flooded with icecream.
i think they are friends with the ice cream factories in Osaka and Nagoya and other industrial hubs

Bazza:　Another time, because some bloke called the police they gauged out his eyes with a spoon and then simultaneously skuｌｌfucked him whilst a transexual bummed him with a strap on
they then emailed the video to everyone in asahi
my supervisor was telling me about it

Mavo:　yeah i saw it on the net
i think the transexual was one of my kitchen 'ladies'
her names Gertrude and she has a penchant for buggery and other deviancies. She gets on well with the kocho

Bazza:　she works at your school now does she?

Mavo:　i wouldn't call it work.

Bazza:　apparently she used to own her own brothel but it shut down after several of the whores were found out to have aids

Mavo:　fucking 'ell!

Bazza:　my supervisor tells me she is still doing a bit of the old "work" for some of her former punters

Mavo:　 well, she manages to simulate sex in the canteen whenever possible. she mauled one of the 1st graders earlier. the kocho sensei merely looked on and applauded.

Bazza: sick fuckers! Anyway I should be going now, I’ve gotta go teach

Mavo: Ok, good talking to you.

Making a blog entry (back to life).

I have decided to start writing in this blog.

My reasons for starting it up again are ............

1.) because when I get this really popular blog everyone will want me to come and write for their magazine, pay me to advertise on my site, offer me recording contracts etc.
2.) I am scared of being permanently “abandoned and left to the web graveyard”.
3.) I need to add a funny line here.

The main trouble with starting up the blog again is that I have to try to think of something that I can be arsed to write about. For me this is a big problem. After such a long gap since the last (and only) post I feel as though the next one should be quite good (but so far this entry is totally shit). I think the way forward is just to post stuff all the time – that way if you post something crap it’s soon forgotten. Also it’s really annoying when you keep going back to someone’s blog in the hope they’ve updatted it but you keep seeing the same headline. For example, tonedog’s blog when he had that “Passion for passion” heading up for fucking ages!

Since my last post I have thought of a number of different things I could make my next entry about.

When I was reading the “things to do in Toyama” monthly newsletter a couple of months back one of the month’s highlights was the Uozu “illuminations”. Basically this consists of a few Christmas lights around the station. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of these lights to show people just what a “highlight” these really were! I couldn’t be bothered though.

Another idea I had was to look at the comments to my last post for inspiration for what to write about this time. I quite liked the image of this “web graveyard” that I have been abandoned to – I thought about writing this dramatic description of how I was going to ressurect myself. Something along the lines of ….

It was a foul and stormy night and from the midst of a dark woodland strange sounds could be heard. The cry of a wolf howling, the toot of an owl and the relentless crashing of the wind and rain. From deep within the murky depths of this vile landscape a distguisting creature began to stir. Leaves rustled and brances snapped, as slowly but surely the dormant beast began to emerge. First its head and shoulders rose cautiously from the sess pool of decay. Next its giant body clawed itself out of the detesable bog from which it came. Before long the full horror of this monstrosity became apparent……

……Barry and Maverick’s Japan World Blog Tour was back from the dead.

This was just one idea for a blog post anyway. However, I thought that on its own that wasn’t really enough for a whole blog entry and also I’m not very good at using big words. So I searched on the internet for “back from the dead” to see if I could find any inspiration to drag it out a bit or just for stuff to copy and pretend it was my own work.

The most interesting things I found in this search were the details of a film about a newly married young woman who is possessed by the evil spirit of her husband's deceased first wife. The possession turns her into a scheming killer who will stop at nothing to get what she wants.

I couldn’t really think of anyway of incorporating this into the back from the dead blog idea other than just mentioning it for no reason (which I have done). The next related thing I found on the internet was a book interested in what would happen if the United States abolished the death penalty and emptied its Death Rows? If the killers were released from prison would they kill again?

At first I thought this sounded kind of interesting but then I thought nah, it’s probably pretty boring and not very inspiring for my blog. Dunno why I’m including it really.

The final thing I found on the internet was a piece of writing called How to Bring Someone Back from the Dead by Veronica Schanoes. I found the title to be slightly misleading as it didn’t actually appear to tell you how to bring people back from the dead. Shame, because that would probably be quite a useful skill to have.

So as a result of this searching I became a little disillusioned with this back from the dead idea and thought about other options. After playing around with all these different ideas on what to write at last a good idea came to me – (I say good….) I thought “I know I’ll write a blog entry all about my attempts to write an original and interesting blog entry!” So this is what I’ve tried to do.

I don’t really feel as though I’ve found my “blog voice” yet (see above). I get these good ideas (I say good...)in my head but then when I write them down they just don’t seem to work very well. When I write something I usually read it back to myself and end up thinking “twat.” (as I have just done on reading that back to myself). (I’ve now read this back a few times and it gets worse every time).

Shirley Kawa-Jump from the internet says that finding your true writing voice is a lot like falling in love -- you know it when it happens. Until then, you bumble along, trying this style and that, wondering if this is it or if a better voice is out there just waiting for you. You question and doubt, reaching nearly the point of despair before finally, your true voice comes to you and you know exactly who you are as a writer.

I think for now I am just starting out in the bumbling along, questioning and doubting, nearly reaching the point of despair stage. People (Richard) will read my work and think, “yeah he’s tried to make that funny, hasn't really worked has it!” For now I will be thinking the same thing but once I eventually find my true voice it’ll be as though I’ve fallen in love!

So I better post some new stuff quick so this crap gets forgotten!